And so it begins...

Before viewing this film, I decided to read some trivia on the Internet's movie database. Evidently the director's original vision included casting Mark Paul Gosselaar in Paul Walker's role, and Mario Lopez instead of Vin Diesel.

Let that wash over you for just a moment. Rob Cohen looked at this script and said, "I like this, but I'd like it more if it was a Saved by the Bell fan fiction."

Like this, but probably without Screech

I will try not to let that knowledge color my entire viewing of this fine franchise, but it's in my brain now.

So the DVD starts with a PSA from an 'NSync-looking Paul Walker, urging viewers not to duplicate the dangerous stunts seen in the movie. It actually kind of bummed me out. I feel a preemptive affection for him, like some kind of warm-up Stockholm syndrome, and it was really sad to see regular guy Paul Walker from 16 years go. I'm not going to mention his death very often, or possibly at all, other than now to say that it was really tragic.

So Paul Walker/Brian goes to a cafe, orders the same rubbish tuna sandwich (no crust, seriously, guy?), and then stares at Vin Diesel/Dom downright longingly.There's no tough guy nod or awkward look away, just some real good prolonged eye contact.

My goodness, this movie certainly is 16 years old, isn't it? That guy just called that other guy a faggot?! You can't say that on my television! And is that a Limp Bizkit song followed by an appearance by Ja Rule? I think my pants just turned into JNCOs.

I like this car scientist guy, Jesse. He'll definitely be play a prominent role in every movie, right?

It's the first race of the movie, and already we're seeing whispers of motomancy. When Brian injects his engine with speed potion, time warps around him. A quarter-mile race takes approximately 10 minutes, and reaches speeds over 150 mph.

Mmm... I love me some fried piston rings, drizzled in butter. Brian makes his car go so fast that the passenger side floor falls out? I'm starting to wonder if these movies are more concerned with entertainment than with accurate car physics.

So, I guess Brian cast a healing spell on his car, otherwise what are Dom's feet resting on while he's sitting in the passenger seat? These are more than action movies; this is full-on urban fantasy. Hope you've got a few more of those potions on hand, Brian, here are some +1 bullets with piercing damage! (Vin Diesel plays D&D, he'll get that joke)

"You can have any beer you want, as long as it's a Corona." Lol, choose from either of these used beverages, Brian. Enjoy this great party.

I have a good friend who is much smarter than me, and in discussing this upcoming experiment (?) one of the things he said he likes about them is the sense of family and brotherhood. I like seeing that so early, that Dom values loyalty even in the presence of a possible rival. I don't have anything funny to say about this, but it's kind of a cool take on the action tough guy.

With some of this dialogue, I really get the possibility of casting Mark Paul Goselaar. I could see it. Some of his lines are very Bayside.

There's a race in the desert called Race Wars, Dom? I can't tell if that's progressive or tone-deaf. What a fitting metaphor for this movie.

Friday night at 10 for a date, Mia? A date at 10?! I told you this was a fantasy movie. Dates that start at 10.

It starts at 10?

Vin Diesel emerging from the shadows is genuinely pretty creepy. And once again it's loyalty that's the point of friction.

"For those ten seconds or less [or significantly more, depending on car sorcery], I'm free."

There are SO MANY people eating dinner at this Cuban restaurant at 10 pm. I'm so old. But I cannot get past this. My guts hurt just thinking about all that spicy food so late at night.

Race Wars turns out to be just that: people racing! Why, what did you think it was going to be?

So the heists in this movie are basically this:

Only with MORE magic.

Wait, is he putting a tourniquet around that man's arm? Yeah, hey, Brian? A lack of pressure on his arm was not really the issue.

The motorcycle gang's engines give Brian and Dom enough time to cast a quick deflection spell, because they are wizards because this movie is gritty urban fantasy, but Jesse is a Rigger (maybe a Technomancer), and gets thoroughly perforated by gunfire. Does Vin Diesel play Shadowrun? Anyway, sorry, Jesse. I wrote that thing above about Jesse sarcastically, not realizing just how quickly those words would come to haunt me.

I guess you were right to be afraid of your dad's car, eh, Dom? Why did he install that barrel-roll capability?

Okay, what in the world did we just watch? Did it make any sense? Did it make a lick of sense, at any point? I mean, I think I enjoyed it (again, likely I'm just falling in love with my captor), and I'm totally jazzed about 2 Fast 2 B So Furious, but, like, what? I feel like this script started as just a collection of racing and groping vignettes, then there was a hasty undercover cop plot spackled on.

So that was my viewing of Fast Times at Furious High. It was a weird good time. Check back here for more of whatever this was.

You owe me a two hundred second car.