Faster, Furious! Kill! Kill!

Did we enjoy 2 Fast 2 B So Furious, you ask? Well, at the end of the "turbo-charged" prelude that attempts to explain why Brian is not in jail, my wife asserted that instead producer Chris Palladino should be in jail. And the prelude only lasted six minutes.

All the racing teams in the beginning scene have matching color schemes, like the villains in Mystery Men. It only gets worse from here.

It's basically this.

First impressions of some of these characters: Ludacris looks like he just arrived in a time machine from whatever combination of years produced his Shaft-meets-LL Cool J jumpsuit look. Suki looks like one of those human Barbie ladies. Paul Walker was mostly charming and likable in TF&tF, but this script does him no favors.

Tyrese's character Roman has found the ultimate house arrest loophole: he lives in a Winnebago! It's dreamius, which is the word I just invented for when you have a dumb idea in a dream but you think it's genius.

The car sorcery happens early and often. I don't even need to tell you that Brian's gearshift is made of yew with a phoenix feather core. The "n2o" button in Brian's car, however, looks like it was printed on a labelmaker.

The most complicated spell in the whole movie is that Eva Mendes chooses Paul Walker when Tyrese is standing like right there. Look at those pearly whites, and how he doesn't wear sleeves!

Way too much of this movie is muscle-boys and Barbie girls saying tough things to themselves while driving. It's not good movie-making, and also the audio always sounds bad.

This movie is dumb and bad. I can't really muster the enthusiasm to even say much more about it. It lacks a lot of the charm of the first movie, in favor of bad writing and a pretty gross torture scene. And heaven help me, I miss Vin Diesel. For all the macho posing and whatnot, it really seems like he's the heart and brains of this operation.