Los Blandoleros

Before we get to Fast Plus Furious, the canonically 3rd F&F movie, we are treated to reading a whole bunch of subtitles in the Vin Diesel written and directed short film, Los Bandoleros.



Dom is back, you guys! He's fixing a car, and speaking Spanish, and it's not bad?

There's not much in the way of plot, but it's fine, I guess? I find Dom and Letty's relationship kind of charming, even though it's pretty weird that he disappeared to another country.

I definitely feel like I am prepared to watch muscley lads drive cars very fast.

So let's get into Fast and Furious!

Turns out, I was right! A cadre of musclebound boys and ladies--some old, some new--are up to their old crimes again. And by "old crimes," I of course mean complicated high-speed backward-driving gasoline heists in the Dominican Republic.

Oh, I get the title now! Dom is Fast, and Letty is Furious. Already this movie makes way more sense than number two, and that's even after I wrote that bonkers sentence about gas heists!

Brian is back, and he looks great! His lines seem better, and his hair is 40% less terrible. Maybe 50%. He looks a lot less like a failed American Idol tryout.

This. Scene. Dom is Sherlock-style forensic analyzing this car accident, and it's amazing. He knows Letty didn't die in a car crash, because she's spent years building up an immunity. So it had to have been murder, and it was definitely someone who is totally yoked.

Maybe it's just the awful wake of 2Fast2Furious, but I'm really enjoying this one. It still has a good helping of dumb, but it sucks less than either of the first two movies.

As long as we're discussing percentages, this movie is at least 12% Vin Diesel's muscles. And his raspy, brooding voice.

Brian asks an FBI someone to run prints, and to go, "beyond INTERPOL." Before she answers him, all I could think was, "outer space?" It would be a peculiar twist, certainly, but not entirely crazy? It's already urban fantasy, so why not some supernatural and/or extraterrestrial?

"Run him down," this guy says. You can't kill Dom with a car! Dom is made of cars! Dom IS car. His heart beats in time with the EverCar, the Eternally Fast and Immaculately Furious. "Run him down," indeed. Interlopers.

This movie brings me to a bit of a crossroads. I'm not sure exactly why I was expecting higher standards from this franchise, but this one overall was very male-gazey and occasionally pretty sleazy, with multiple creepy girl-on-girl makeout scenes. And, with the murder of Letty, they've gotten rid of the only female character who really had any agency. So do I press on, knowing that Dwayne Johnson and Wonder Woman are in the next one?

I think I press on. If you don't hear from me again within two weeks, it's because Fast Five has killed me. Avenge me!