Canonically the sixth movie, we've finally arrived at the third entry in the Fast and Furious. Tokyo Drift. If they'd waited, I could have titled this entry "Tokyo Fifth."
I wish you could have been sitting with me for the dramatic music while a chubby kid gets his belly painted purple. It's a thing that happens.
This race scene is so tasteful. Winner gets possession of this woman! She is an object, and should be treated as such. Her current owner is Zachary Ty Brian, in an incredible performance as a severely held back high school football player.
Hey, movies, can I talk to you for a second? When you cast 25-year-olds as 16-year-olds? We can tell, and it's weird. What's that, movies? It's so you can shoot the camera up high-school-girls' skirts without feeling bad? I'm surprised I have to tell you this but you should also stop doing that.
Sorry, back to the movie, where our hero (Bill? Is his name Bill? I'm sure they'll get around to revealing it at some point) gets in some legal trouble and is promptly shipped to Japan.
Sean! Evidently his name is Sean. Sean's dad seems like a warm and nurturing guy, and Tokyo seems fine, I guess. If this movie had any other title, I would have expected our hero to learn - and excel at - some form of mystical martial arts.
Which, I guess he will? Drift racing seems like more car sorcery than a martial art, but it will do as a stand-in for "mystical Eastern secret."
Wait, a "don't ask, don't tell" joke? 2006 was a simpler time. Ha, followed pretty closely by a premature ejaculation joke, complete with tissue box!
Our hero's folksy Texas accent makes every dumb thing he does seem more like innocence than ignorance. "I thought this was a free country." Sean, do you think Tokyo is in the United States? "Boy, this neighborhood sure has a lot of Chinese folks. Wonder if there's a Taco Bell around here."
Finally, Asian Brad Pitt! Asian Brad Pitt (A.B.P), you make it all worth it. Still snacking, I see.
"You know that real famous painting, the one where the woman is smiling all the time?" That might be it, everyone: the worst thing ever written.
A.B.P. seems pretty chill about Sean thoroughly wrecking his ride. He's just like, "Let's see what this kid can do." What he can do is like $100,000 in property damage, you beacon of nonchalance.
All (most) joking aside, this drift racing stuff seems like legitimate car magic. Cars aren't supposed to move sideways like that!
I like this errand that Sean gets sent on. "A guy in there owes me some money." Those are literally his instructions. And Sean is just going to wander in like, "Hey, an Asian guy outside says you owe him some money."
Leonardo Nam is in this, who for whatever reason is one of my favorite character actors. And he's typically good in this as Morimoto (the high school thug, not the Iron Chef).
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| Though Morimoto is certainly no Brian McBrian. |
A.B.P. drifts for one reason only: that booty.
Drift racing is pretty romantic stuff. And it makes Neela's accent stronger?
The drama ramps up in a real way, with a crazy car chase through the city, and a crazy accident that disappointingly does not feature Jason Statham.
Ha ha, "We race. And the loser leaves town for good." I like that Uncle Yakuza laughs right in Sean's dumb face. Uncle Yakuza is all of us.
Hey, spoiler for Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift: Sean wins the big race against the bad guy. He totally drives more than the gangster's nephew, and the gangster is like, "Great job, white kid."
And the film ends, with Sean winning basically possession of a woman. And nearly murdering a man, to the excited cheers of his friends.
Oh, and Dom is in this one. That's something, right? According to IMDB trivia, Vin Diesel agreed to an appearance only after being given the rights to the Chronicles of Riddick films. Seems like a sweet deal for the filmmakers, when you consider that Vin's last movie was the box office smashing The Pacifier.
So that's that movie! More Fast and Furying to come soon, wherein we rejoin the primary timeline.
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