3 Fast, 4 Furious, 7 Movies

Who knew these movies would last until number seven?

Vin Diesel, that’s who.

Jason Statham joins us for this one as Deckard Shaw, a very strong man who drives cars good. What a treat! He also has super murder powers, which we learn sort of in reverse, in a pretty cool scene where he walks out of a building through the carnage of a dismantled squad of police and security.

Gasp! A return to Race Wars! Though it seems dirtier this time, with, like, a lot more butts. Also, it's still called Race Wars. That means something else, you absolute madmen!

Paul Walker makes an appearance as another mopey dude who is sad about his minivan. Why'd you even buy that, Brian? You have one child. Fast cars have back seats, Bri.

Jason Statham fighting The Rock. Statham knows, fighting the big man is like chopping down a tree one strike at a time. And sometimes you have to use very powerful explosives, and throw the tree out of a building.

Actual still of Dwayne Johnson facing Jason Statham

Killing Dom is also like chopping down a tree (in more ways than one!). One with a gravelly voice who is also immune to explosions.

So the “timeline” thing is kind of bizarre. Like, that kid from Tokyo Drift has definitely aged 11 or so years.

Maybe the worst line of the series, and possibly ever: “When you find the guy that killed Han, what are you gonna do?” “Words ain’t even been invented yet.”

Dom, I’m not suggesting anything with this, but is it possible you just don’t know the words? Like, there are so many words. There have to be some that could describe what you’re planning. Here are a few you might want to check definitions on: Strangle. Eviscerate. Obliterate. Pummel. Here is I think the most likely one, given your particular skills and approach: Pulverize. Just a few to mull over.

Also, and I'm sorry for nitpicking this, but words don't really get "invented." Languages develop, certainly, but it isn't as if reporters would need to invent a new word. They would probably use the literally thousands of descriptive words already available to them. And they wouldn't even need to be that creative, really: it seems like you just want to chase him, and then kill him.

Hang on, I need to get back to the action, because Dom and Statham just got into a head-on collision at probably 60 miles an hour, and both just shook it off. So it appears Statham is also an invincible car wizard.

Ha ha, Kurt Russell? What even is this movie?

Holy crap, Tyrese breaking down the stupid things this movie franchise has done. It’s very good. Lots of stupid things. And then his plan is the exact type of dumb trope that this series leans on. “That’s impossible.” “Exactly.” Merely saying that it will work is what makes it work.

Sorcery.

They have got to come up with some better rescue ideas than “jump from one speeding car to another.”

No way does Brian beat up Tony Jaa. Pretty sure you can see the real-life pain a few times on Paul Walker’s face as he gets absolutely worked.

When the hacker said “Abu Dhabi,” I fully expected an “Abu What-y?” or “Scooby Dooby?” joke.

A lot more butts in this movie in general. You can’t have it both ways, Furious: You can’t make fun of characters for ogling a woman when the camera has been ogling every chance it gets. At least there is the Prince’s personal guard to provide a few women that aren’t just sex objects. These ones are targets for Letty’s fists!

Okay, so this movie is a double heist! It’s Ocean’s 22.

So Shaw has killed every team he’s ever come up against, but two untrained, unarmored guys should be just the thing to take him down. At least give them each a car!

Wait, so is Kurt Russell family now?! And is he wearing Mithril?

Go ahead and add “Pregnancy” to the long list of things that the Fast and Furious movies don’t understand.

But for real, people: Paul Walker was really young, and his death is a genuine tragedy. Don’t drive stupid. You’re not a car wizard.

So it’s still just Shadowrun. They have to be close enough to the bad guys so that the hacker can hack them super hard.

This movie is at least 4 separate movies, all muscled together like some kind of slab of movie beef.

Wait, this is what a street fight is? An oddly choreographed fencing match where one dude has wrenches?

“Someone just double-tapped our drone.” Every time someone talks to or about Hobbs, I want them to be like, “That dude is huge.” "A literal giant just shot our camera."

You know what, go ahead and add “Fighting” to that list, too. And “Buildings.” Let’s keep that text file open in the background for ongoing updates.

Dominic Torretto cannot be killed in a car crash. Dominic IS cars. He communes with the Car Father, He of American Muscle.

So this scene where everyone is watching Brian play with his kids, it’s a sappy one. But I can’t help but think about how weird it would be without the tender music. Just five muscly folks watching a dude play on the beach.

Wow. Well that was dense, in more ways than one. Really a lot of separate ridiculous things happening. I didn’t cover all of them. There was a whole deal with a drone that I hardly even mentioned. Cars fell out of planes and off of cliffs. It was absolute nonsense, but in kind of a fun way, I guess?

The timing is right. F8 (not like the key on your keyboard, this one you pronounce "Fate") has been released on DVD, meaning I can watch and make fun of it from the comfort of my couch.

Soon.